Monday, July 13, 2009

Hot Food Porn Judges Hot Chicks Eating Burgers Campaign

Carl Jr.'s has now taken their campaign for hot women eating burgers even further with the brilliantly named internet home video competition called "Hot Chicks Eating Burgers." These videos with self proclaimed "hot chicks" can be found on break.com. Many of which are not entertaining and do not involve any said "hot chicks," but there were some winners.

Despite having no desire to spend $6 on a Carl Jr. burger when I can get a $3 In Out Double Double Animal Style, I will say that these videos of gals eating burgers are pretty entertaining. I watched a bunch of them last night and I figure I could do a little judging for fun.

Winners:


Hot Chicks Eating Burgers - Meryl - Watch more Hot Chicks Eating Burgers

Meryl's comedy and creativity here really sells it. She's funny and pretty easy on the eyes. I was really thinking she was just going to let her boobs do all the talking, but when she pulled the drunken Hoff, I was immediately impressed. Her burger eating technique really needs work though, but I understand that when you are the drunken Hoff, you are essentially immune from criticism.

Creativity: A
Entertainment Value: A-
Burger Eating Technique: C+
Food Porn Appeal: B
Intangibles: B+


Hot Chicks Eating Burgers - Kelley R - Watch more Hot Chicks Eating Burgers

Kelley R here is probably my favorite pure burger eater. She is your quintessential middle of the lineup 5-tool player. She would bat third at an All Star Game lineup. She's definitely nailed down the secretly freaky librarian/housewife/power business woman unleashed by hot burger meat routine. She sells it, I buy it. I knew it was a winner when I saw her take that first bite - that's the bite of a lion. They don't teach that kind of shit at McDonald's, that's how they do it in the big leagues. It also helps that she's like a hotter slightly older version of Aaliyah and the girl in the bad Chris Rock movie. (which one you ask?)

Creativity: B
Entertainment Value: A-
Burger Eating Technique: A+
Food Porn Appeal: A
Intangibles: A



Hot Chicks Eating Burgers - Holly - Watch more Hot Chicks Eating Burgers

I am a big fan of girls named Holly. In fact, most women that I have met named Holly are normally very cute and or hot. This is no exception. I would have probably preferred Holly over horse-face Audrina Patridge any day. This is the prototypical overpowering front runner video. Holly does nothing special here except make a knockout looking video with great video angles, slick body motion and great burger crunching sounds. Her burger eating technique is very fundamentally sound and even impressive considering that she's laying on her back. You might not like or root for a front runner, but damn well, you respect her...maybe.

Creativity: C
Entertainment Value: B+
Burger Eating Technique: A-
Food Porn Appeal: A
Intangibles: B+


Hot Chicks Eating Burgers - Mariann - Watch more Hot Chicks Eating Burgers

Mariann here is what we call the exotic import. It's really the same reason why we like watching Salma Hayek or Eva Mendes. There are some things that Mariann does here that separate her from the pack. The first of which is her accent. Most over-exaggerated acting turns me off, but for some reason when Mariann talks burger and starts moaning, it makes me feel slightly dirty like a PETA member secretly eating KFC. She would also received costume and location awards for her little nighty and bed combo.


Creativity: B
Entertainment Value: B+
Burger Eating Technique: B+
Food Porn Appeal: A-
Intangibles: A-



Hot Chicks Eating Burgers - Kelley - Watch more Hot Chicks Eating Burgers

The second of the Kelley girls with an extraneous "e" is an amazing looking all American blonde. You know this girl because she's essentially the hottest and most popular girl that you remember in school. She's the girl who was too good to be true, but you aimlessly wanted anyways because you were a tool. That bitch. Anyways, Kelley is the best classic looker of the bunch and the swaying of her green top is hypnotic. The onion pull was a good touch, but her burger eating technique leaves something to be desired. Extra points for the little leg kick.

Creativity: C+
Entertainment Value: B+
Burger Eating Technique: B-
Food Porn Appeal: A+
Intangibles: A-



The Not Winners:



HOT CHICKS EATING BURGERS - Watch more Funny Videos

This girl's name I think is Anne Marie, but I couldn't really make it out. Overall a sloppy video. It's not even upright! Tilting my head to watch a video automatically puts it in the bottom of the pile. Anne also does a piss poor job of eating a burger that doesn't look like a $6 burger. The burger is flat and she gets stuff stuck all over her teeth... not sexy. Anne may never get out of the intramural league with that performance.


Creativity: D
Entertainment Value: F
Burger Eating Technique: D-
Food Porn Appeal: C
Intangibles: C-



Hot Chicks Eating Burgers - Jennifer - Watch more Funny Videos

I want to like Jennifer here, but sadly I cannot. She eats that burger like a champ and seems sincere in her enjoyment of the burger. In another world of burger judging, I would make Jennifer a winner, but this competition is called "Hot Chicks Eating Burgers" and not "Real Chicks That I'd Have Beers With, Be Curious Enough To Want To Date And Be Afraid Of Breaking Up With At The Same Time Eating Burgers." Sadly, it is not that competition. Maybe some sleep, a better camera/theme, a little blush and I'd reconsider.

Creativity: D
Entertainment Value: C-
Burger Eating Technique: A-
Food Porn Appeal: C-
Intangibles: C



Hot Chicks Eating Burgers - Brooke - Watch more Funny Videos

Brooke is the worst video I saw all night. I may hate the home video approach and the crappy background and even what Brooke is wearing, but that's not enough to normally make me proclaim anyone as the worst video. The thing that makes Brooke's video so horrendously bad is that I never even see the burger, let alone see her actually really eat it. There's no sauce, there's no real moaning, and there is no sign of meat. This is "Hot Chick Eating Burger" FAIL.


Creativity: F
Entertainment Value: F
Burger Eating Technique: F
Food Porn Appeal: D-
Intangibles: D-

1 comment:

  1. I want to see hot CHEFS eating cheeseburgers. =) ha!

    ReplyDelete