Friday, July 10, 2009

Mary Louise Parker Sexy With Pie

For some reason, I have an insane amount of magazine subscriptions for no reason other than the fact that they probably all cost less than $20 total. Great bathroom reading I guess is very important. I think I signed up for Rolling Stone 6 years ago for a 3 year subscription for $9 bucks maybe and I've been getting them since...

For those of you that don't read or care about Esquire when Megan Fox is not on the cover, I will ask that you look into this month's issue featuring Mary Louise Parker and her pie recipe. I thought about the borderline smut factor in posting this, but then I felt I had an obligation to make a point and show people that a woman who can master pie crust and look ridiculously smart and sexy at it. That's nothing to scoff at, many a wonderful baker has sucked at making good pie crust. Mary Louise Parker has always been pretty underrated. She was always a welcome sight on West Wing as the definition of what "librarian hot potential" could lead to.

I think my mom once told me that I should learn to cook because I couldn't trust that a woman in my generation would know or bother to try learning. While that may not be necessarily true in many cases, I want to tell the female race that the knowledge and power to cook is unbelievably sexy and intimate. It's definitely not a sexist I-want-to-put-you-away-in-a-kitchen-forever or a put-the-lotion-on-the-skin-or-she-gets-the-hose-again thing, because that's just the type of thing that would never fly in my kitchen. Cooking is very much a symbolic display that represents little bit about your passion, a little bit about your nurture, and a little bit about your tradition.

I told you there was a point to this post and not just hot gratuitous pie rolling in black lace and apron with butt crack action. Well, I guess that's also part of it, too.

And to that, Hot Food Porn salutes Mary Louise Parker and her hot pie.

Her recipe:

How to Make a Pie By Mary-Louise Parker

Turn your oven to 425 degrees. Put three sticks of butter and a bowl of water that has ice in it in the fridge. Cubes, not chips. Put the food-processor bowl and the sharp blade thingy in the freezer.

When that stuff gets cold, take out the bowl and blade and put in 2 3/4 cups of flour, a teaspoon of sugar, and a teaspoon of salt. Cut 2 1/4 sticks of butter into pieces the size of a camera battery and drop them in a couple at a time while hitting "pulse" on the machine till it all looks like coarse meal. If you don't know what that is, go look at the smaller pieces of gravel in your driveway.

Slowly pour, like, 7 or 8 tablespoons of the ice water in with the flour gravel and pulse it till it comes together into a ball that isn't sticky. Take it out and knead it on a counter sprinkled with flour, but not too much or the molecules will get stretchy and the dough will be tough. Form the dough into two big air-hockey pucks and cover with plastic wrap. Put them in the fridge for at least an hour. If you forget about the dough, you can throw it in the freezer (but once the seasons have changed, chuck it).

Roll the pucks into circles bigger than a pie. Drape one over the pie pan with a little extra hanging over, and fill it with cut-up fruit mixed with a little flour, cinnamon, and a drop or two of rum, and dot the top with butter. Cover it with the other dough circle, pinch the edges together, and cut some little holes in the top of the pie with a knife. Make a design or write a message to someone, code or otherwise. For a yummy, richer crust, brush with heavy cream and sprinkle with raw sugar from the packets at Starbucks. Put foil all around the edge so it doesn't burn; take it off after the pie has cooked for, like, 20 minutes and turn the temp down to 350. Cook for 25 minutes more or until juice is bubbling out of the Morse-code slashes. Take it out and let it sit for as long as you can wait but not so long that it gets cold.

Eyes on the pie.

This will never happen for me... ever....sigh.

Personally, classic French rolling pins are sexier.


  1. Hot Damm, Give me some Pie!!!!!

  2. This post may leave a few baked goods with emotional scars from the onslaught of "Pastry Love" that is sure to follow the release of those photos.