Thursday, August 13, 2009

Story of the Week... "America Dies on Dunkin'"

I have to tell you the new "in" thing to do is totally martyrdom (job-wise) over food. If you haven;t read the story yet, read it here. Apparently a Florida doctor working for the county decided to put up a sign that said "America Dies On Dunkin," which is absolutely hilarious by the way, and got shitcanned for it. But the best part of the story isn't just that, there's more. Here is part of the story:

PENSACOLA, Fla. — Dr. Jason Newsom railed against burgers, french fries, fried chicken and sweet tea in his campaign to promote better eating in a part of the country known as the Redneck Riviera. He might still be leading the charge if he had only left the doughnuts alone.

A 38-year-old former Army doctor who served in Iraq, Newsom returned home to Panama City a few years ago to run the Bay County Health Department and launched a one-man war on obesity by posting sardonic warnings on an electronic sign outside:

"Sweet Tea (equals) Liquid Sugar."

"Hamburger (equals) Spare Tire."

"French Fries (equals) Thunder Thighs."

He also called out KFC by name to make people think twice about fried chicken.

Then he parodied "America Runs on Dunkin'," the doughnut chain's slogan, with: "America Dies on Dunkin'."

Some power players in the Gulf Coast tourist town decided they had had their fill.

A county commissioner who owns a doughnut shop and two lawyers who own a new Dunkin' Donuts on Panama City Beach turned against him, along with some of his own employees, Newsom says. After the lawyers threatened to sue, his bosses at the Florida Health Department made him remove the anti-fried dough rants and eventually forced him to resign, he says.

Now Dr. Newsom is no idiot and clearly with his sense of humor, he's probably a guy I could hang out with late at night and drink a few soy lattes or wheatgrass shots with. I mean, personally I understand the issues of overeating bad shit for you like KFC and Dunkies. It really basically comes down to the lifetime ability of mind over matter. If you can't control that on a daily basis then you're likely 300 lbs and en route to wearing moomoo dresses for a living. It should not however stop anyone from wanting to eat a Dunkies French Crueller or Lemon Powdered or even some good ole KFC mutant original recipe. Because honestly, that shit just tastes good. Sometimes, you just need to buckle down and say, this is bad, but damn its good.

Here is an analogy for those that do not quite get it. If someone offered me a Ferrari for a day and I didn't speed the hell out of it, that would be pointless and wrong. Sure, speeding is dangerous and douchey, but its a goddamn Ferrari. If a cop pulls me over in it, my only defense would be, "shit, I was speeding, but have you ever driven one because if you did, you'd want to be speeding too." So if any of you readers catch me at a KFC, all I'm going to say to you is "have you tasted the third drumstick on this chicken, it's fucking delicious."

Well aside from all that goodness, this doctor scores more Hot Food Porn brownie points. Right here:

A short time after Newsom's meeting with Rivard and Duncan, Newsom says, his bosses at the state Health Department told him that his leadership wasn't wanted and that he could be fired or resign. He chose to resign May 8 but has reapplied for the job.

The Florida Health Department has refused to talk about Newsom since he is considered a job applicant. "We will be happy to talk to you after the position has been filled," department spokeswoman Susan Smith said in an e-mail.

Newsom is hoping to get his job back so that he can resume his campaign against overeating.

Not only did this man defy everyone, he had the balls to tie up their hands again by reapplying for his job, which in turn makes the entire Florida Health Department and their spokeswoman look like an idiot. He is a man playing chess while everyone else is playing checkers.

Dr. Newsom, you are a Hot Food Porn Hero.


  1. About time someone spoke up and told the truth! Screw them Dr. Newsom come work in Maine. We need someone like you up here!

  2. Very nice website! There are a lot of humorous stories here, but at the same time you write tons of useful advices! Great job! Keep posting!