Friday, October 9, 2009

Hot Food Porn’s Ten Scenarios of The Kitchen Life Vs. The Office Life

I thought it’d be fun to identify some of the more common affairs of working in a kitchen versus working in an office. There aren’t that many people that can normally identify with both aspects at the same time, but I oddly had the fortunate/unfortunate opportunity to do so for a good string of time.

Philosophically and literally, these jobs are night and day. I’d just like to point out that I’m not glorifying kitchen work and I am definitely not redeeming the office job. I just figure this would be kind of funny to let you in on some truthful exchanges and scenarios as told from my experiences or those of other close friends over the goes.

Ten Scenarios of Office Vs. Kitchen Life:

1. What to do when you have a conflict with a dick employee:

Office: You bitch to other coworkers and friends within your office circle about how incompetent the other employee is. They agree, you feel better, but no one ever knows or cares who might be a dick, so he’ll never get fired.

Kitchen: You bitch the other person out, in the middle of service because they keep fucking up. He bitches back at you, you both feel shitty during service. He’s an asshole, but you end up drinking at the end of the night together and everything’s fine until the next night.

2. What to do when you have a conflict with your dick boss:

Office: You try to avoid him at all circumstances and get through all your work without dealing with him. You make it through the day without getting annoyed with his bullshit, but you realize you need to deal with this EVERYDAY. You feel shitty everyday pretty much because most of the time, you’re too much of a pussy to quit.

Kitchen: You keep your mouth shut and take the punishment up the ass for the entire night, it’s unavoidable. But if you want, you can tell him to go fuck himself and walk out on service. You screw everyone, but hey, this shit happens – deal with it. You feel immediately better because you know you can cook somewhere else for $15 an hour.

3. What to do when you have a conflict with other departments:

Office: Another department or vendor is seriously fucking you over with their shitty work. You start blind cc-ing your boss, their boss, administration and every Harry, Dick and Bob because you think they might back you. Everyone already knows the other guy is an idiot, but they don’t have to work with him, so ultimately they don’t care and they’re more likely to blame you anyways.

Kitchen: The waitstaff is fucking up orders all night long and sending food to the wrong tables. Forget the weeds, you’re in the fucking jungle and backed up with a ton of tickets. The chef is livid, so you get your ass chewed out, but at the same time, the chef is going to chew out the retards working the floor. You feel good when that happens, but at the end of the night, they’re flashing a wad of green in front of you.

4. What to do when drinking with fellow employees:

Office: Unless you’re living the lifestyle of Dom Draper, you drink with coworkers on happy hour once in a blue moon. It’s cool because when you do, you try to talk about anything but work. Inevitably, you talk about work, but you feel good about confiding to fellow employees. Martini, Vodka/Gin Tonic or a Heineken is what you drink.

Kitchen: You drink at the end of the night almost every other night and definitely every weekend night. You celebrate your burns, your problems and your successes that night. Every good service is an accomplishment and every bad service is a relief. Tequila, Fernet, Jameson, Bourbon and PBR is probably what you drink.

5. What to do when you hook up with a fellow employee:

Office: Nobody hears or knows about it at first. Then you tell your friend in the office and inevitably everyone knows by the end of the day.

Kitchen: Everyone knows because they were watching you two make out or leave together. They were wasted and so were you, but they weren’t blind. Nobody talks about it until you or she makes out with someone else in the near future.

6. What to do when you’ve got a mild cold or headache:

Office: You tell your boss you need to take a sick day and go home or you stay at home and watch 4 hours of shitty TV.

Kitchen: Your ass is at work. Unless you’re in a coma, in the hospital or in a funeral, you better be at work that day.

7. What do do when you’re late to work:

Office: Nobody cares unless you’re coming in late everyday. You make up your late time at the end of the day or you don’t. All is well.

Kitchen: You better call and let your chef know. Even then, you’re in the weeds with prep. This service is going to be shitty, you know it.

8. What to do when you have free time?

Office: You browse the internet and update your blog about Kitchen vs. Office life.

Kitchen: Anything except for stand around, lean or doing nothing. Wipe and clean something dumbass.

9. What to do for lunch/meal time?

Office: You go the cafeteria and you got a lot of time, but the food sucks and you pay $7 for it because you’re too lazy to drive 5 minutes for something else.

Kitchen: You inhale your family meal in 3 minutes if you have the time and appetite to eat it. The food rocks (normally), but if it doesn’t, you can eat almost anything left over at the end of service.

10. At the end of the day, what do you feel like you learned?

Office: Most days, almost nothing.

Kitchen: Most days, always something.


  1. Oh my god, this is so true. Especially # 6, 7 and 9. I once had to go back to the kitchen 2 days following emergency wisdom tooth removal. I was high on painkillers, couldn't eat anything and wanted to die.

  2. Haha. Loved reading this. I've never worked a kitchen but was a waitress at a Japanese restaurant in LA in college. The end of the night meals we all had together were worth more than my pay. Love that in Japanese restaurants, so many parts of foods (ends of raw fish, end slices of ankimo, etc) are deemed unservable, so we'd always have these incredible meals of the ugly (but equally delicious) parts of foods and have a few beers together. Being the pig that I am, I always made sure I worked the 2nd shift so that I'd get to eat the meal at the end of service.

    I enjoyed that there was no idle time working at a restaurant (in ref to #8). It made the day go by pretty fast!

    Our neigborhood italian restaurant that we live near now cooks these elaborate meals for the staff at the end of service and lays it all out on the bar 30 mins before closing or so. My husband and I usually go and eat late just so we can see what they'll be eating. It always looks incredible!

    In regards to #3, it was criminal what we (the waitresses) were pulling in at the end of the night in tips, considering how unskilled you have to be to be a waitress! It was hard for me to graduate to the real world, knowing that I'd be making less per hour in a "normal job" than I did waitressing. Sigh.

  3. As someone who is also leading a double life between an office job and a restaurant, I quite enjoyed reading this. Cheers!