Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Bacon Officially Linked to Eternal Damnation


Unfortunately, the AP reported that all religions have jointly decreed that bacon indeed is the main cause for eternal damnation. This was found to be the case when field reporters Dante and Virgil were reporting on the overwhelming obesity in Hell. The original Commandments will now be revised and trimmed to solely one commandment and golden rule:

1. Eat Bacon And You Will Burn in Hell.

Further research concludes that bacon was indeed built as a weapon of mass destruction, which it turns out was evacuated out of Iraq just as U.S. soldiers arrived. Rumors and unconfirmed reports have also alleged that bacon was indeed part of a larger terrorist attack on the human afterlife. They are currently pinpointing Osama Bin Laden as a possible suspect in this widespread conspiracy.

Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Kinky Tuesday - McNugget Related Crime


On the heels of the great McNugget meltdown story involving a woman's enraged dialing to 911 because McDonald's ran out of McNuggets, we have a new story today which is every bit as sordid as that one. Here is a copy of the story as posted by the hard-hitting bastards of Fox News:

Australian Pimp Paid Teen Prostitute With Chicken Nuggets
Monday, March 30, 2009

A 27-year-old Australian man who pimped a 16-year-old girl so he and his girlfriend could afford their apartment, would pay the schoolgirl with chicken nuggets, the Australian Associated Press reported.
Ronald Vikash Gander used the $4,500 the teen made for having sex with five middle-aged men in June of last year to pay the weekly $1,050 rent on his Brisbane apartment, the Brisbane District Court was told.
Gander and his 16-year-old girlfriend would pay the teen with an occasional box of chicken nuggets, the AAP reported.
"The girl was used as if she was a piece of meat ... and your conduct can properly be described as that of a sleaze merchant," Judge Marshall Irwin told Gander.
Gander pleaded guilty to one count each of knowingly participating in the provision of prostitution with a circumstance of aggravation and procuring prostitution with a circumstance of aggravation.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, that is slave trade via McNugget. So everytime you decide to frequent a San Francisco massage parlor for your jollies, just remember, you're secretly supporting McDonald's and their evil mutant chicken McNugget corporation. That is definitely going to be tolling on your conscience. I don't know, but I wonder how the world would look like if we traded McNuggets as primary payment tool. I don't support the sex trade business, but speaking for myself, I'm open about giving up my body for the occasional Sausage Egg McMuffin meal. But, that's probably because I'm easy like Sunday morning.

P.S. Let it be known that I did not overlook the hilarious comment from the judge, who decided to reference the girl as being "used like a piece of meat" in a story involving sex trading with McNuggets. Ironic that the pimp's name happened to be "Ronald." So many deep layers to this story.