Thursday, July 16, 2009

Open Letter To A Troubling Situation

Yesterday on my Hot Food Porn email account, I received this troubling letter:

Abidjan Cote D' Ivoire
West Africa
Dearest One


Permit me to inform you of my desire of going into business relationship with you.
I am glades Fathia kala the only daugther of late Mr and Mrs George kala from the republic of sierra loene. My father was a very wealthy cocoa merchant based in Abidjan, the economic capital of Cote D'Ivoire before he was poisoned to death by his business associates on one of their outing to discuss on a business deal.
When my mother died when i was a baby, my father took me so special because I am motherless. Before the death of my father on 27th June 2005 in a private hospital here in Abidjan. He secretly called me on his bedside and told me that he has a sum of $9.500.000 left in a security company here in Cote d'ivoire, that he used my name as her only daugther for the next of kin in deposit of the consignment
Further more he also explained to me that it was because of this wealth and some huge amount of money his business associates supposed to balance him from the deal they had that he was been poisoned.He then advised that I should seek for a God fearing foreign partner in a country of my choice who will assist me retrieve this consignment and transfer this money and use it for investment purpose, then I would want you to provide your personal contacts including your phone/fax number for easier communication.

I am honourably seeking your assistance in the following ways.
1) I want you to help me retrieve this money from the security company here and transfer it to your account for onward investment in your country.
2) You are going to be the manager of this fund and also my personal guardian until I finished my studies as I'm just 23 years old..
3) You are going to procure admission for me to continue my studies in one of the known university in your country.
4) Moreover, I am willing to offer you 25% of the sum as compensation for effort input after the successful retrieve of this consignment from the security company here.
And I am willing to proceed with you as soon as I have your response.
Anticipating to hear from you soon.

Miss Glades Fathia Kala

After hearing of such an important and intriguing dire situation, I could not help but respond.

Dear Miss Glades Fathia Kala,

I am so sorry this situation has befallen you. It is such a tragedy with all that has transpired. You solution seems logical and I am ready to head to the bank to get you all the account numbers so that we can perform this transfer. I feel I can properly manage your funds into a successful chain of Cheesecake Factories and eventually an empire of Panda Expresses to ptroperly represent the Chinese food community all across the world. As your future manager, I must first offer you some fiscal advice in these dire times.

I would first suggest that you pull out of your studies immediately and cash out all assets to build a fund that will help us in these retrieval services. We will require many strong dangerous men and scantily clad women if we are to succeed in warding off and intimidating your father's many business partners. Please send the money via money order to the general P.O. Box that I will provide you. You will not be safe in your college environment, so moving to a remote place is a must. I would suggest the fine city of Detroit or a state like Alaska would work. Another note that may come off sounding all wrong, but considering your current grammar, you may want to enroll later on to continue your studies at one of our fine local community colleges.

Thank you.

Your Future Fiscal Manager,

Hot Food Porn

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

More From Chicago

On Tuesday, my piece on my Chicago trip was posted on Tablehopper in a contributing Jetsetter piece as seen here. I thoroughly enjoyed writing the piece because it was nice and almost therapeutic (not sure if that makes sense) to get a chance to reminisce on all the experience, food and otherwise, I had during that trip. I however did have a lot of pictures left over from my time there that I figure would be appropriate to post on as a followup gallery. Here it is:


Pork Belly, Potato, Black Truffle

Hiramasa Shabu Shabu, Napa Cabbage, Konbu Bouillion

Dessert Amuse - Honey, Pollen

Praline Souffle

Rasberry, Yuzu (I think), Gold Leaf

Cannele, Macarons

Pretty Butter Dish

Tuna, Olive Oil, Black Olive

Potato, Olive Oil, Salted Cod

Peekytoe Crab, Foie Emulsion

Lobster, Cherries (can't remember the sphere)

Corn Emulsion, Corn Puree, Halibut

The Publican:


Big Pig

Potee Dish w/ Pig Goodies

My Baby Niece Maddy <3 the Spicy Pork Rinds

YAY, Double Fisting at Early Age

Fries w/ Egg

Cone Action

Pig Pens For People (should be a band name)

Rogue Spotted Pig. (Chef April Bloomfield may be jealous)

Wrigley, Hot Doug's, Grand Lux:

In Game Action

A View Only Better At Fenway

Ivy League

Synonymous with Wrigley: Old Style

Greatest Baseball Sign Ever.

Shitty Hot Doug's Line = No Sausage For Me



Monday, July 13, 2009

Hot Food Porn Judges Hot Chicks Eating Burgers Campaign

Carl Jr.'s has now taken their campaign for hot women eating burgers even further with the brilliantly named internet home video competition called "Hot Chicks Eating Burgers." These videos with self proclaimed "hot chicks" can be found on Many of which are not entertaining and do not involve any said "hot chicks," but there were some winners.

Despite having no desire to spend $6 on a Carl Jr. burger when I can get a $3 In Out Double Double Animal Style, I will say that these videos of gals eating burgers are pretty entertaining. I watched a bunch of them last night and I figure I could do a little judging for fun.


Hot Chicks Eating Burgers - Meryl - Watch more Hot Chicks Eating Burgers

Meryl's comedy and creativity here really sells it. She's funny and pretty easy on the eyes. I was really thinking she was just going to let her boobs do all the talking, but when she pulled the drunken Hoff, I was immediately impressed. Her burger eating technique really needs work though, but I understand that when you are the drunken Hoff, you are essentially immune from criticism.

Creativity: A
Entertainment Value: A-
Burger Eating Technique: C+
Food Porn Appeal: B
Intangibles: B+

Hot Chicks Eating Burgers - Kelley R - Watch more Hot Chicks Eating Burgers

Kelley R here is probably my favorite pure burger eater. She is your quintessential middle of the lineup 5-tool player. She would bat third at an All Star Game lineup. She's definitely nailed down the secretly freaky librarian/housewife/power business woman unleashed by hot burger meat routine. She sells it, I buy it. I knew it was a winner when I saw her take that first bite - that's the bite of a lion. They don't teach that kind of shit at McDonald's, that's how they do it in the big leagues. It also helps that she's like a hotter slightly older version of Aaliyah and the girl in the bad Chris Rock movie. (which one you ask?)

Creativity: B
Entertainment Value: A-
Burger Eating Technique: A+
Food Porn Appeal: A
Intangibles: A

Hot Chicks Eating Burgers - Holly - Watch more Hot Chicks Eating Burgers

I am a big fan of girls named Holly. In fact, most women that I have met named Holly are normally very cute and or hot. This is no exception. I would have probably preferred Holly over horse-face Audrina Patridge any day. This is the prototypical overpowering front runner video. Holly does nothing special here except make a knockout looking video with great video angles, slick body motion and great burger crunching sounds. Her burger eating technique is very fundamentally sound and even impressive considering that she's laying on her back. You might not like or root for a front runner, but damn well, you respect her...maybe.

Creativity: C
Entertainment Value: B+
Burger Eating Technique: A-
Food Porn Appeal: A
Intangibles: B+

Hot Chicks Eating Burgers - Mariann - Watch more Hot Chicks Eating Burgers

Mariann here is what we call the exotic import. It's really the same reason why we like watching Salma Hayek or Eva Mendes. There are some things that Mariann does here that separate her from the pack. The first of which is her accent. Most over-exaggerated acting turns me off, but for some reason when Mariann talks burger and starts moaning, it makes me feel slightly dirty like a PETA member secretly eating KFC. She would also received costume and location awards for her little nighty and bed combo.

Creativity: B
Entertainment Value: B+
Burger Eating Technique: B+
Food Porn Appeal: A-
Intangibles: A-

Hot Chicks Eating Burgers - Kelley - Watch more Hot Chicks Eating Burgers

The second of the Kelley girls with an extraneous "e" is an amazing looking all American blonde. You know this girl because she's essentially the hottest and most popular girl that you remember in school. She's the girl who was too good to be true, but you aimlessly wanted anyways because you were a tool. That bitch. Anyways, Kelley is the best classic looker of the bunch and the swaying of her green top is hypnotic. The onion pull was a good touch, but her burger eating technique leaves something to be desired. Extra points for the little leg kick.

Creativity: C+
Entertainment Value: B+
Burger Eating Technique: B-
Food Porn Appeal: A+
Intangibles: A-

The Not Winners:

HOT CHICKS EATING BURGERS - Watch more Funny Videos

This girl's name I think is Anne Marie, but I couldn't really make it out. Overall a sloppy video. It's not even upright! Tilting my head to watch a video automatically puts it in the bottom of the pile. Anne also does a piss poor job of eating a burger that doesn't look like a $6 burger. The burger is flat and she gets stuff stuck all over her teeth... not sexy. Anne may never get out of the intramural league with that performance.

Creativity: D
Entertainment Value: F
Burger Eating Technique: D-
Food Porn Appeal: C
Intangibles: C-

Hot Chicks Eating Burgers - Jennifer - Watch more Funny Videos

I want to like Jennifer here, but sadly I cannot. She eats that burger like a champ and seems sincere in her enjoyment of the burger. In another world of burger judging, I would make Jennifer a winner, but this competition is called "Hot Chicks Eating Burgers" and not "Real Chicks That I'd Have Beers With, Be Curious Enough To Want To Date And Be Afraid Of Breaking Up With At The Same Time Eating Burgers." Sadly, it is not that competition. Maybe some sleep, a better camera/theme, a little blush and I'd reconsider.

Creativity: D
Entertainment Value: C-
Burger Eating Technique: A-
Food Porn Appeal: C-
Intangibles: C

Hot Chicks Eating Burgers - Brooke - Watch more Funny Videos

Brooke is the worst video I saw all night. I may hate the home video approach and the crappy background and even what Brooke is wearing, but that's not enough to normally make me proclaim anyone as the worst video. The thing that makes Brooke's video so horrendously bad is that I never even see the burger, let alone see her actually really eat it. There's no sauce, there's no real moaning, and there is no sign of meat. This is "Hot Chick Eating Burger" FAIL.

Creativity: F
Entertainment Value: F
Burger Eating Technique: F
Food Porn Appeal: D-
Intangibles: D-