There is a significant difference between the effort it requires for getting up versus waking up. And if I were to rank the difficulty of those occurrences with the act of staying up, I’d place them 1, 2 and 3 respectively. The truth is that when I get home, there’s a blankness about the life there. My time spent at home now is sometimes a little bit of a charade and often just a necessary means of recuperating the energy loss to the battles that occur on a daily basis at the cafe.
When I’m not assuming my role and wearing my mask for work, a lot of my other time is filled with different pieces that help maintain a certain sense of sanity; which is to say that this is spent as far away from work as possible. Recently I’ve toggled my limited time and space between a tight knit group of close friends, visiting family and mind-numbing hobbies/activities. And to them, I sometimes need to apologize for being half of a person. Despite the undeniable desire to take solace in my cave of a room, these things provide me the comfort I sorely look for. I’m very thankful some days for their ability to overcompensate for my lack of energy, engagement and excitement.
As much as work absorbs a part of my life out of it, it doesn’t mean that I am not myself at work. At this juncture of my life (though it may sound a bit sad), I have more passion and love for work than anything outside of it. It is an ambiguous sense of self and personal identity; a duality that is both supportive and symbiotic. And if you can’t understand or relate to that kind of lifestyle that exists, than you need to look no further than the case of Bruce Wayne and Batman. The real man exists in both personas, but they are an almost bipolar representation of one and another.
Sometimes I want to be both, one, or just not the other. Some of the staff and myself are close and, over time, we develop strong friendships, but there are times when they’ll talk or react to me as the mask and not the man. It is simply human nature that we approach people and situations in the roles that we see them most commonly in. I’ve done the same with almost all of my bosses and supervisors and, at times, its undeserved but certainly understandable. If anything, I think its this tangible air of being generically cordial that I’m not in love with.
Again, its all very understandable and if you think about it, that boundary kind of creates an inadvertent cause-and-effect. The problem is that one part of my life seems to completely dominate the other – resulting in almost no semblance of balance. I’ve taken the last couple of Wednesdays’ off, but I seemed to have found a way to volunteer them to doing all the errands for work either at home or at the Planning Department. And when I finish with those, I’m normally not quite sure what the rest of my day should be used for (aside from laundry).
I guess I’ve been in a better disposition considering that I am beginning to see the Bruce Wayne end of things – whether that signifies that I’m doomed to kicking it with my butler all day or to unsavory relationships – I’m not sure. I’m also a little cautious sometimes about how much I choose to isolate from one part of my life to the other – its an odd struggle. Keeping things too business-like takes away from enjoying your work and getting too close feels like you’re taking a piece out of your own privacy/identity. The great thing about my line of work is that the personal satisfaction is there, but I’m sure there are many that worry about whether the fulfillment part of it will be there waiting at home.